What am I?

I know i shouldn't be blogging about this...but if i can't vent my feelings here, where the fuck am i suppose to vent them? Or maybe it's because subconsciously i'm hoping that you'll read this... not that i can dictate or control your decision at the end of the day... but...you know there are just come things i dunno how to bring up in your presence...and maybe this is the only place i know of to convey how i feel exactly...

I shouldn't have drank. Really. It seems everytime i do, when the high wears off, the fall back down to reality just becomes ten times worst.

So. This is how it feels. To be bloody entrapped in that feeling of that dreaded four-letter word. A feeling that i'd been wary along all this while. A feeling that i had convinced myself that i'd never experience or would never let myself experience, whatever the reason. But am i really feeling that four-letter word?

Honestly, i dunno. But it helluva feels like it.

Is it normal to be in so much pain almost all the time?

Don't get me wrong. I'm really really happy whenever i'm with you. i don't think i've ever been so comfortable with any other person before. At first, i had reservations because of the huge age gap...but...after getting to know you, after spending all that time with you, it just didn't matter anymore.

And then...

Things never really work out like you want them to, do they?

It's not you not being here that i can't accept. It's...well, you know...

I mean, ya sure, i know these things cannot be forced...but...where exactly do i stand?

I know what you are to me. But what am i to you?

Someone who's conveniently there? A...fuck buddy? Someone to just fill your time until you get who you really want?

I sound bitter? No. I'm just...sad, i guess. Not disappointed, not angry. Just sad. Maybe i am in that dreaded four-letter word after all. I understand now how some people find it so difficult to leave their abusive partners even though they're all battered and bruised. That four-letter word is probably the best and worst thing that could ever happen to anyone.

I know there are probably some people who are laughing at me now and saying 'serves you right.' Ya. Serves me right. Whatever goes around comes around. And this time, it's my turn.

Sometimes i wonder if it's better not to know/to have known. You said you wanted me to know cos you didn't want to keep anything from me, you wanted to be fair and let me know what the situation was.

I should have walked away then. Any logically-minded person would have done so.

But i didn't.

Instead i stepped right in. And now, i'm unable to let myself back out. Not because of your doing, but because i just can't bring myself to.

If i was a third party reading this, i'd be like, WTF?! Wake up and smell the roses!

I know any relationship is based on trust. I want to believe everything you say to me/tell me. In fact, i do believe everything you say to/tell me. Your words of endearment warm my insides and make my heart skip each time. I don't doubt you don't mean them. OK...maybe i do, in a sense...because sometimes I wonder if you'll be telling/will tell the other person the same thing you're telling me.

When you found out how hurt i was, maybe you decided then to keep certain things from me. Some things are better not known than known. After all, the less i know, the less i'd hurt.

Unfortunately it's also made me a terribly insecure person. Me. The me who has always prided herself as being in control now finds someone else holding the chains.

I don't know what this relationship we have is called. You once said, we're more than friends. And that was it. More than friends. What the fuck does that mean? You also said you'd rather not commit to any relationship at the moment 'cos it won't be fair to me seeing how you'd hardly be around.

Great. I mean, having an open, non-committed relationship should work damn well for me. After all, i've always had a phobia for commitment.

So why aren't i jumping with joy?

You're on my mind and in my heart 24/7. I want you next to me. I don't want you to go away. I wanna do things with you. I want to hear your voice. I want to feel your embrace. Even if it's just for a moment. Actually, no. I lie. I want it all the time. I know you always try your best to accommodate. I just don't know when you'll stop and eventually leave me. I know you're only waiting for that someone else to say, yes. And when that happens, you'll go. As much as I don't want it to happen, I know that day will come.

So.

This is what it feels like. I never thought it would happen to me.

But you came and you showed me it was possible.

"Oooh...you're really fucked," said a friend when i told her.

Ya. I am.

There's this saying that if you love someone, you'll let them go. If they return, then it was meant to be. If they don't, then it never was.

Such irony. It just occured to me that the above saying could easily be applied to you and me as well as to you and the other person.

Whatever.

I know you know how i feel about you. I just want you to be happy. And safe. I'm sorry if i was such an aunt nag just now, but...well, i worry for your safety. It's just not right to be where you are now with hardly any appropriate security measures in place. Furthermore, your company prides itself as being bloody strict on security matters, so how could they ignore/not check such a basic thing?! It just makes me mad and frustrated that I can't do anything to fix that situation for you, even though i know you can handle it and take care of yourself.

It's not even been 24 hours and already i miss you so much.