s03e11
I don't know why it's affecting me so much. And i can't stop thinking about it. The problem is, i really don't know what the 'it' is. I mean...shit, i really don't know what i mean even.
i guess it makes me question the path i've decided to follow. or maybe not.
all i know is that it really depressed me. yet in some sick way, i wanted to feel that depression. i wanted to soak up that sadness and make it mine.
maybe i like being sad. maybe i think i don't deserve happiness.
maybe we're all just really fucked up. All of us.
we move in a circle so small that we're just going round and round. is that how it's going to be? us, going round and round, moving from one to the other creating links so complicated that it sounds like some really bad soap opera.
sometimes i just feel like giving up. there's a much easier road. why don't i take that?
so, i sell out. for the sake of...face? for the sake of people around me? for how people will perceive me?
but why? why must i worry so much? why must i think so much? why can't i just let go of myself? why do i keep running away?
I know. Deep down inside, i'm a coward. Weak and pathetic.
Maybe that's why i'm attracted to power and strength. i'm seeking what i lack, hoping that they'll protect me and take care of me. but power and strength are hardly ever attracted to me. Who likes a coward, right?
The thing about being a coward is you tend to build this wall around yourself. You feel a need to protect yourself. To not allow yourself to get hurt. To not allow yourself to open up. To not allow yourself to show too much emotion.
In the end it gets too painful because you know you can't give all of yourself, you can't reciprocrate what you're receiving. So to ease your own pain, you become the one who does the hurting.
And well. After awhile, you tend to think that maybe all that pain would be spared if you just detach yourself from all emotions.
Ya, right. Such sacrifice.
More like an act of cowardice.
Run, run, run. When will i learn to stop? Will i learn to stop?
Well.
I am stopping now.
Cos i'm sleepy and i need to go to bed.
i guess it makes me question the path i've decided to follow. or maybe not.
all i know is that it really depressed me. yet in some sick way, i wanted to feel that depression. i wanted to soak up that sadness and make it mine.
maybe i like being sad. maybe i think i don't deserve happiness.
maybe we're all just really fucked up. All of us.
we move in a circle so small that we're just going round and round. is that how it's going to be? us, going round and round, moving from one to the other creating links so complicated that it sounds like some really bad soap opera.
sometimes i just feel like giving up. there's a much easier road. why don't i take that?
so, i sell out. for the sake of...face? for the sake of people around me? for how people will perceive me?
but why? why must i worry so much? why must i think so much? why can't i just let go of myself? why do i keep running away?
I know. Deep down inside, i'm a coward. Weak and pathetic.
Maybe that's why i'm attracted to power and strength. i'm seeking what i lack, hoping that they'll protect me and take care of me. but power and strength are hardly ever attracted to me. Who likes a coward, right?
The thing about being a coward is you tend to build this wall around yourself. You feel a need to protect yourself. To not allow yourself to get hurt. To not allow yourself to open up. To not allow yourself to show too much emotion.
In the end it gets too painful because you know you can't give all of yourself, you can't reciprocrate what you're receiving. So to ease your own pain, you become the one who does the hurting.
And well. After awhile, you tend to think that maybe all that pain would be spared if you just detach yourself from all emotions.
Ya, right. Such sacrifice.
More like an act of cowardice.
Run, run, run. When will i learn to stop? Will i learn to stop?
Well.
I am stopping now.
Cos i'm sleepy and i need to go to bed.
<< Home